Through my youth I was what I call a super Christian. I went to every Christian event I could, from festivals to prayer nights to worship conferences. All the music I listened to was Christian, I was involved in as many church activities as I could fit in my calendar, played in the church band, sang in the choir, lead in the youth group, the list goes on. I was so passionate about Jesus, so on fire for my faith and so excited to tell everyone I could about the ‘good news’.
Over the last few years however, something has changed. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, the last couple of years my faith has been deconstructed. The things I once held dear, that which I had built my faith and life around seem to have fallen down. The fire has gone out and I’m left feeling empty, tired and confused.
The God I once knew as my best friend feels like a stranger, the answers that I once had feel empty and the solid rock that I thought I had built my faith and my life upon has vanished. When I look at the news and hear stories of the church’s homophobia, sexism and other controversies I get angry and upset. When I open the bible and re-read the passages that once gave me such hope and such joy I feel empty and confused. When I pray I feel like nobody is listening and when I search for God’s presence I feel nothing.
I’ve contemplated giving up, perhaps this is all a lie, perhaps there is no God and there never has been. Maybe everything I felt and believed growing up was just my mind playing tricks on me, the answers to prayer coincidences, the good news just lies. Maybe there is really no point to any of this, no meaning in life, no higher power.
Except there’s this hum inside me. At the very depths of my soul there’s a thirst crying out for some deeper connection, for meaning, for wholeness. Deep within me there’s a sense that I’m connected to something at the very heart of my being. Something which I can’t put into words, something that is as big as the universe and yet so intimate it is a part of me. That feeling that bubbles up when I listen to a moving piece of music, when I spend time with people I love, or when I admire the beauty of the world.
Through my deconstruction I thought I’d lost God. It was as though I’d placed everything I understood and thought about God in a glass box, then I dropped the box and it shattered into a thousand pieces. It’s only as I’ve been sitting in amongst the fragments, trying to piece together this box again, that I’ve realised that God was never in the box in the first place. What I called God has been with me all along, I was just too focused on the glass box, the structures and idols and religion, to realise it at the time.
I’m not going to pretend and say I have this all figured out now, I don’t. I’m not going to pretend my questions have been answered, my doubts have gone and everything is OK. Because it’s not. If anything I have more questions, more doubts and am more confused than before. Before the box fell apart I felt comfortable, I thought I had things worked out. Losing that caused a lot of pain which I’ve still not fully dealt with, scars which I’m still living with now.
But in letting go of the box, letting go of my religious frameworks and ideas of who God is, I’ve discovered a God who could never have fitted within them. I’ve discovered that the only way I can describe God is metaphor. And that God can be found in the strangest of places. In a piece of art, a song, a poem. When I’m having a drink in the pub with friends, or crying with someone going through a hard time. I’ve discovered that God is found in the expression of love, in the busyness of life and in the stillness of silence. It’s only through losing faith that I’ve discovered the real beauty of life and realised the power of love.
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Great Blog Gordon. You have written something that is pertinent to so many who have come from strong faith backgrounds. Many modern Evangelicals are finding that the old certainties and dualistic theologies are just not satisfying anymore. Thanks for your blog and your open thinking, keep going.
Thanks William, will try too!
Brilliant. I think this perfectly sums up what it’s like having a faith when life gets tough. You question everything and feel sad/disheartened/ overwhelmed… but your heart won’t let you give up! Love it. Well done! 🙂
Thanks Zoe!
The thing that comes to mind is that when we come to the end of ourselves and find its come to nothing even with all our effort and striving then the prophet Zechariah begins to make sense:
So he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.
A brief comment on the use of the word homophobia. Phobia in Greek means fear, in the sense that we have a phobia towards spiders, flying, dying, even living. I have never met a Christian yet who has a phobia of homosexuals. What I find most are people of sincere deep faith looking for truth and not wishing to just go with what everyone else might think. That’s not phobia and it’s wrong to class the Church as homophobic becuase it wants to seek truth and pray. They fact it does so in Gods timescale and not that of man is a matter of impatience. Give sincere honest people a break, we are not all homophobic becuase we don’t immediately embrace what everyone else does.
I appreciate your honesty though Gordon, it can only lead to truth.
Thanks for the comment Karl, when I used the word I wasn’t referring to the church as a whole, but certain parts of it and the media portrayal. But I totally understand that it is not a representation of the whole church and many people are on a journey with this issue.
I think most of us get here eventually if we allow our faith to grow and develop.
Gordon, this is lovely. The glass box analogy is excellent and has been stuck in my head now for a few days since I first read it here. x
Thanks for reading Naomi, so glad it spoke to you! Hope you’re well 🙂