About a year ago, I gave up God for Lent. I joined with a few hundred others, scattered across the world, on a pilgrimage into what the mystics call the great Cloud of Unknowing on Peter Rollins’ ‘Atheism for Lent’ course. I find it quite ironic that the first time I’ve succeeded in giving up anything for Lent was in this endeavour, which is no doubt why it has taken me this long to start really talking about it.
Those of you who’ve followed my blog for a while will know that about two years ago I started deconstructing my Christian faith. What began as a few questions, slowly lead to the unravelling of everything I thought was certain in my faith. I went from being a self-proclaimed ‘Jesus Freak’ (YES, I really did use that phrase to describe myself on MULTIPLE occasions), to a point where I doubted pretty much every tenet of my faith within a matter of months. It was around this time that I discovered Pete’s work and decided to enrol on the course this time last year.
The course introduced us to a number of critiques of both Christianity and God, from philosophers and theologians both inside and outside the faith. I didn’t understand everything I read, and I certainly didn’t agree with it all either. But as I went through the weeks, I came to realise that the word ‘god’ can mean different things to different people, even within the Christian tradition. My Christian upbringing made me who I am today. It taught me the importance of generosity, to care for people, to love my neighbour, and that things like honesty and integrity are incredibly important qualities to build my life upon. However, it also gave me a lot of shit. It taught me that some people are worth less than me because of their sexuality or religion and that unless those things change somehow, they aren’t able to live a ‘full’ life. Christianity can be both beautiful and life-giving, or judgmental and divisive. Which of these approaches is ‘God’s way’? What is God? A being? A person? An energy? An idea? I began to realise that to ask whether I believed in God or not was the wrong question to ask. Rather, I need to define what I mean when I say ‘God’, or whether it’s even the right word to use.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot call myself a Christian anymore or even a theist. This is not because I don’t believe in anything (because it’s only through belief that I’ve come to this place) but because using those labels and the idea of ‘god’ that I grew up with no longer make sense for me. I haven’t figured out where I am or what I believe enough to give myself a label, maybe I never will, but that’s OK.
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I personally find the label "christian" unhelpful these days. I’m a stumbling follower of Christ, but not in the way many will assume.