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Disruptions

Posted on gord

Just before my 23rd birthday life was going great. I had a job that I loved; I was working with a team of really cool people, doing something that excited me. I was able to be creative for a living, developing and growing skills I already had as well as learning new ones. I met my targets pretty consistently and, although I made some mistakes, I did the best I could. I learned and grew in my role as it expanded and changed, however when it came to my six-month probation meeting everything changed. My boss told me that the job I was doing was not, in hindsight, the role that the team needed and that they would not be continuing to employ me past my initial probationary period. I was devastated, I didn’t know what to do.

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Now and How

Posted on gord

I spend the majority of my time in the past or the future. So much of my headspace is taken up with wishing things could return to how they were back then, thinking about how when that happens I’ll finally be happy. I live so much of my life focusing on the past that I can’t change, and the future that is never entirely certain, that I miss the only thing I have any control over. The present.

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Where is the Love?

Posted on gord

The world feels like a pretty dark place right now. Brexit is happening, Donald Trump doesn’t seem to be going away, and I can’t turn on the news without hearing about another mass shooting or terror attack. The past couple of months I’ve seen more and more bigotry, racism, homophobia and sexism on social media from people I’m connected with than ever before. It has genuinely upset me, and I’ve struggled until now to write anything that I’ve been comfortable to post. Even today I’m not sure whether this will ever leave my increasingly growing collection of draft posts.

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Does Love Really Win?

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‘Love Wins’

I’ve heard that phrase a lot over the last couple of days. It’s a message that gives us hope in the midst of tragedies like we saw in Orlando this weekend. The mantra that we cry in the face of terror, extremism and hate crimes. It gives us hope that eventually good will prevail over evil, love will prevail over hate. It’s a phrase that caused thousands of people all around the world to hold vigils on Monday night, remembering the lives that were lost under such terrible circumstances. Last year at pride I marched in the parade holding a sign with that message, with hundreds of others declaring this message across the world. But last night, after a day of hearing the stories of innocent people who died after that horrific homophobic attack, and seeing people blaming and scapegoating the Islamic community for the acts of a small minority; I asked myself, does love really win?

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Cat Links deconstruction

Believing Again – A Testimony of Unbelief

Posted on gord

When I was eighteen, I was preparing to get baptised, and part of the service included me sharing my testimony. The testimony of how I became a Christian, how God had changed my life, and why I was choosing to get baptised. The purpose of this was partly evangelistic, to share what had transformed my life in the hope it might lead to a similar transformation in somebody else. It was also really helpful for me as a self-reflection, to enable me to work out for myself exactly why I was making this decision, and to give me a written record to look back at in the future. I’ve blogged a lot recently about the ways my faith has changed and deconstructed. But I still get a lot of people asking me what happened. What caused my deconstruction, and the changes in my faith and beliefs? This post is an attempt to answer that question, a ‘Testimony of Unbelief’ if you like.

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Liminal

Posted on gord

As I mentioned briefly in my previous post, last month I attended a festival in Belfast hosted by author and speaker Peter Rollins, entitled ‘Wake’. I didn’t know much about the event when I signed up, my friend had mentioned it to me saying she wished she could attend and on a whim I decided to sign up. The festival explored radical theology and was designed to mimic a wake, for us to mourn the death of God.

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Life After the Death of God

Posted on gord

Whenever I had struggles in life, my faith was something I could cling to. When things got tough, praying about them made it easier. If I needed guidance, I could look to the Bible. When I asked God to help me make an important decision, I’d feel like I was being told what I needed to do. My faith was a comfort in times of need, a hope amongst the hopelessness, a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. No matter how shit life got, God was with me.

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Exceeding Expectations

Posted on gord

I’ve always been impulsive. I’m the kind of person who lives in the moment and follows my gut. That’s just the way I’m wired. I hate the idea of making plans in advance because, inevitably, plans fall through, and after getting myself really excited I will be left feeling disappointed and let down. Lately, I’ve started to find myself planning into my future more and more. When I look on Facebook and see SO MANY of my friends getting engaged, their dream job, or jetting off halfway around the world, part of me feels like I’m missing out. I feel I need to be working towards something more, that by now I should have more to show for my life. So I start making checklists in my head of things that I need in order to be content with life. An ever growing list of expectations; a solid relationship, a house, a stable job, a car, a driver’s license, the list goes on and on. My eyes are set on the perfect life, and in my head this is only possible once my expectations are met, once I’ve got through the endless list of things I need to do.

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Don’t Doubt

Posted on gord

The story of ‘Doubting Thomas’ is often used to portray doubt as something that is wrong. We’re told that it is something we must fight against, Thomas is portrayed as somebody of weak faith and if we doubt, we need to strengthen our faith so we don’t become like him. Because nobody wants to be a doubting Thomas.

Well nobody except me.

You see, right now I can see a lot of myself in Thomas. I’ve been doubting a lot over the last couple of years, and it’s been a real struggle. But I’ve slowly come to realise that doubt and scepticism aren’t things I should avoid or run away from, but are in fact totally normal and should be embraced.

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Cat Links deconstruction

Struggling to Sing

Posted on gord

A huge part of church life, at least at the church I attend, involves singing. Every service or meeting we have involves some form of “worship”. Singing songs, usually with an acoustic guitar, about or to God. I used to love this, worship used to be my favourite thing to do. The songs filled my iPod, I played the drums in the band most weeks, and when I wasn’t I was in the front row of church with my hands raised high. Worship was a way I connected with God in a really intimate way, I loved it.

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