In my experience, there are two kinds of friends. Friends by convenience and friends by choice. Friends by convenience are people you have in your life that you’re friends with because you see them a lot, maybe you work together, study together, or live near one another. You might be close, you might hang out a lot, but if you leave that job, finish your studies or move away – more often than not you’ll lose touch and find other people.

Friendship by choice is a different story altogether; these are people that you connect with and hang out with because you genuinely enjoy their company. You can usually tell who these people are because they’re the people that you make time for, who you go out of your way for, and who stay friends regardless of the distance or convenience. Friends by choice are true friends. They are the people that give you life, purpose and meaning. They’re the people you can be yourself around, be honest with, and who love you regardless of your flaws.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the people in my life, and who I’m giving my time to. Having moved to Manchester ten months ago, I’ve experienced first hand the pain of losing friends by convenience that I thought were true friends. It sucks. It can hurt a lot to lose somebody you thought was going to be an important part of your life. But with that loss, I’ve also realised who my genuine friends are and has shown me the qualities to look for in forming true friendships in the future.

So far, it’s proving successful, and I’ve made some incredible friends here in Manchester who I know will be in my life regardless of circumstance or situation. So I thought I’d share some thoughts on the qualities I strive for in a true friendship and some examples from my own friends.

True Friends Help You Up

Seven years ago, I got my AS Level results. It’s safe to say they were not the results I was expecting. My passion at the time was Music Technology, and I was pretty good at it. I was certain that this was going to be my best grade and was heavily involved in the sound production of my church at the time. When I got to the school to pick up the results, I was stunned at the fact I had been given a U (not even an F, apparently I was literally un-gradable!). I was told by the Deputy Head Teacher that because of my grades I was unable to continue my studies at that school.

I was incredibly upset, angry and confused. I’d been advised to look at college courses, so when I got home, I began to look through the options I had. I saw there was a course in Music Technology which looked really interesting, but my confidence in myself was so low that I discounted that as a possibility and began filling out an application for Health and Social Care. I met up with my friend Mike that evening, when told him the news and mentioned that I was considering giving up Music Technology in favour of something easier. He sat me down and helped me to see that regardless of my grade at AS Level, Music Technology was something I was passionate about and I shouldn’t let my grade put me off giving it another go. He filled in the form with me and even agreed to give me a reference.

I managed to get into the college and ended up finishing two years later at the top of the class, and I know that without Mike’s encouragement I’d never have been able to do that.

True Friends Keep You Warm

Sometimes, we get into situations where we’re not able to get up immediately and carry on. In these times, we need a friend who will sit with us through the pain, draw us close and remind us that we are loved, valued and important to them. We need a friend who cares enough to lie down in the pit with us even if there are no words they can say to make things better.

I’ve had a rough few months emotionally. I lost my Grandpa, stresses with jobs and have been through a breakup. It’s been hard, and I’ve had multiple days when I’ve come home upset or angry at the way things are. I know for a fact I wouldn’t have got through this if it weren’t for the support of many people in my life, chiefly my housemate, Emily. I don’t know what it is about her, but she always seems to know the right thing to say or do. Whether it’s advice, comfort, or just a shoulder to cry on. She’s been there for me, with me, throughout.

True Friends Value You When You’re Vulnerable

I recently spent the day with my friends Sasha and Sarafina; we had a great time talking about science, sex, our passions, our insecurities. We opened up with one another, and it was amazing to feel such a genuine connection with people I’ve not known that long at all.

I’ve always found being vulnerable hard. I was bullied a lot through school, and as a result, I often try to curate my personality to impress people so that they like me. This can lead to me putting up a facade in front of new people, and feeling awkward when people from different friendship groups come together and see sides of me they’ve not seen before. My true friends don’t settle for that. They can see through my facade and encourage me to be the person I really am, warts and all.

These traits are all things that I’ve found mark a true friend, somebody who I know is choosing to be my friend regardless of whether or not it’s convenient. I know that these people (and the ones I’ve not mentioned in this post, who are just as amazing and important to me) are true friends. And I’m so grateful to have them in my life.

These are things that I’m intentionally trying to work on in myself as well. Friendship is a two-way thing, so if I expect people to be a true friend to me, I’ve got to be a true friend to them. Without my friends, I wouldn’t be where I am today, and I hope that I’ve had the same impact on them as they on me.

What values do you look for in a friend? Let me know in the comments below!