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“Now Thomas (also known as Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, ‘We have seen the Lord!’But he said to them, ‘Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.’
A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you!’ Then he said to Thomas, ‘Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.’
Thomas said to him, ‘My Lord and my God!’
Then Jesus told him, ‘Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.’”
The story of ‘Doubting Thomas’ is often used to portray doubt as something that is wrong. We’re told that it is something we must fight against, Thomas is portrayed as somebody of weak faith and if we doubt, we need to strengthen our faith so we don’t become like him. Because nobody wants to be a doubting Thomas.
Well nobody except me.
You see, right now I can see a lot of myself in Thomas. I’ve been doubting a lot over the last couple of years, and it’s been a real struggle. But I’ve slowly come to realise that doubt and scepticism aren’t things I should avoid or run away from, but are in fact totally normal and should be embraced.
When I look at Thomas, I see somebody who refused to accept something as Truth because the people around him did so. He refused to blindly believe something with no evidence or personal experience to back it up. He didn’t simply take his friend’s word for it but sought a personal encounter for himself.
Over the last couple of years, as I’ve deconstructed my faith, I’ve come across a number of things that have made me doubt my faith. Whether they be issues which I’ve encountered where the ‘Christian’ answers I’d learnt growing up just didn’t make sense anymore, or ideas and concepts I’ve encountered as I’ve explored the depths of philosophy and radical theology which challenged my understandings of God. The easy thing would have been to ignore these issues; to ignore the evidence, keep going, and shrug off the questions and doubts. To just accept with blind faith the answers I was given, even if they didn’t seem to make much sense.
The harder path, the path which I’ve decided to take in the last couple of months, is the path of Thomas, the path that embraces doubt and questioning in the search for Truth. The path that is willing to go against friends, to go against orthodoxy, and to go against the crowd in the search for something that is real, authentic, and true. I’m embracing doubt because I refuse to merely accept the answers I’ve been given in the past. I’m choosing to question, pull apart, and deconstruct my faith because I don’t want to settle for blindly accepting something. I, like Thomas, am seeking a personal encounter for myself, I’m looking for Truth and love, even if that means sacrificing my religious beliefs in the process.
There can be a danger during deconstruction and doubt to allow it to go too far the other way, to doubt for doubt’s sake even when the evidence is right in front of us. There are some things that I will just never be certain of. Things which will never make sense, and that I will continue to question, doubt, and search for the Truth in over and over again. But it can be tempting to ignore any answers and keep questioning despite the evidence that may be stacking up in front of me. Part of this may be stubbornness, and part of it might be my refusal to accept an answer as true because it might make my life a bit more difficult. Sometimes I have to remind myself that just because I don’t accept some of the ‘Christian’ answers I was given growing up, that doesn’t mean that others of them are not helpful. There is a real danger of becoming too much of a skeptic to the point in which nothing makes sense, and that just isn’t healthy.
My doubts are a big part of my faith and are not something I’m running away from or trying to avoid. I’m wading into them, engaging with them and searching for my own encounter with the divine, whatever that might look like. I’m not shying away from changes or challenges to my beliefs, but I’m equally not throwing the baby out of the bathwater. I don’t know where I’ll end up, I’ve still got a long way to go, but I’d much rather struggle with doubt in search of Truth, than have blind faith and miss something wonderful.
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Awesome thinking! Didn’t Jacob struggle with God and refuse to let go until he was blessed? Doesn’t "Israel" mean to struggle or wrestle with God? Doesn’t every important relationship we ever have contain exactly that at some point? I think you are facing the right way and God will give you the encounter you seek!
I took this road when things did not make sense for me. It is a long and hard road and to see you going for it is reigniting a faith in me. Reading you words has told me that it is okay to think how I think and feel, that parts of my faith do not make sense. I became one of those skeptics to the point of rejecting everything, but as I grow and I ground myself, I am feeling God is leading me back to the religion I shunned. I wonder if I was to focus primarily on the actions and activities of Jesus, whether my faith would be more embracing of humanity in all its forms. Only time will tell, but your words of doubt have helped me. Thankyou