I’ve always been impulsive. I’m the kind of person who lives in the moment and follows my gut. That’s just the way I’m wired. I hate the idea of making plans in advance because, inevitably, plans fall through, and after getting myself really excited I will be left feeling disappointed and let down. Lately, I’ve started to find myself planning into my future more and more. When I look on Facebook and see SO MANY of my friends getting engaged, their dream job, or jetting off halfway around the world, part of me feels like I’m missing out. I feel I need to be working towards something more, that by now I should have more to show for my life. So I start making checklists in my head of things that I need in order to be content with life. An ever growing list of expectations; a solid relationship, a house, a stable job, a car, a driver’s license, the list goes on and on. My eyes are set on the perfect life, and in my head this is only possible once my expectations are met, once I’ve got through the endless list of things I need to do.
In parallel to this, I’m going through an existential crisis of faith. (If you’ve read any of my other posts, I’m sure you’ll know about this turbulent time, if you haven’t then they’re here if you’re interested. ) Throughout this period, I’ve read, listened to and watched countless books, blogs, talks and podcasts from others who have been through similar things. Other people who have deconstructed their faith and come out the other side. This has been incredibly helpful and comforting to know that I’m not the only one asking the questions I’m asking, and that there is hope for the other side. However, I’ve started to notice I’m giving myself another set of expectations as a result of hearing these stories. I’m using the experiences I’ve heard, and the places they’re at right now as some kind of blueprint for my own faith journey. I’ve become so focussed on getting to the other side that I’ve failed to really recognize the value of where I am.
Now it’s fair to say a huge number of the expectations I’m setting myself are a product of me comparing myself to other people. People I respect and look up to, but still other people. On one hand, there’s nothing wrong with that, looking up to others and the example that’s been set by people who are a little further down the road of life than me can be very useful. There’s nothing wrong with having ambition or a drive to become a better person. But on the whole, placing my entire expectation for who I am in my image of other people, is incredibly damaging. And setting myself goals and expectations to tell myself, “life will be better when…” is setting myself up to fail.
Living like this has become exhausting. I’m living my life in the hope that things will be better in the future, setting myself goals and expectations, telling myself “life will be better when…”, but that doesn’t help me today. Telling myself things will improve once I get that job, or once I’ve settled down, or once I have a girlfriend, doesn’t change my life today. And even when I do achieve a goal, I find a new set of expectations come onto the horizon, because there’s always further to go, life just keeps going.
I’ve just got back from a holiday with my family. We spent a long weekend in Berlin and spent our days exploring the city trying to see as much as we could. One thing I learnt, amidst the disagreements and arguments over where we needed to go, was that no matter how much you plan ahead things will never go to plan. Every day we set out with an idea of what we wanted to do, and every day we ended up getting detoured, stopped by the rain, or lost because we can’t seem to survive very long without wifi. Despite this, we still managed to have a great time. We discovered new places, happened upon a beautiful lake and have made wonderful memories we couldn’t have done if we’d stuck to the plan.
Plans and expectations for life can be helpful, but they don’t make my life. Life is an adventure to be explored, not a checklist to check off. I’m realizing, that in comparing myself and setting expectations upon expectations for my life and faith, I’m missing out on the gift that is today. I’m wasting so much energy living my life in the future, telling myself, “life will be better when…”, that I’m missing out on the beauty and excitement of right now. I’m 24 years old, living in one of the most vibrant cities in the world, with a whole world to explore. I’ll probably make mistakes, and things will certainly not go to plan, but I don’t want to waste any more time living in tomorrow while ignoring the beauty of today. I’ve still got expectations and a rough plan for what I want to do and see, but I’m not going to let that stop me enjoying today.
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Do you ever ask God to give you a plan? A dream? A purpose that is alignment with his design for your life? He says he has them for you. I get that its so easy to look at other people and wobble if our lives aren’t seemingly abreast of theirs but a) how do we know their lives are that great anyway and b) don’t we have a God who says he has it all figured out and that our part of the deal is to trust him and seek him? Loving how real you are keeping it though!! We all think like this at times! Keep blogging!
You’re right, I have asked for plans and dreams in the past, but nothing seems to work out the way I thought. Maybe that’s my problem though, I try to be in control too much. Thanks for reading and for your comments! Sorry I only just saw this, I need to sort out the email notifications for comments!
Hello from the States! I believe I found my way to your blog via the Atheism for Lent Facebook page. I just wanted to throw some encouragement your way. You are wonderfully self-aware for someone as young as you (I am 40.), and you are asking yourself great questions. Speaking to you from midlife, the "Things will be better when…" does not go away. You are right in that you life just keeps on moving. I like that you can name those expectations and see them for what they are…expectations. In my world, we name them "goals" just to make them more acceptable. Goal-oriented is a desired trait, right? How do we deal with that constant push to reach goals?
Also what resonated with me in this post is the difficulty of consuming so much information in our deconstruction (I am on that path, too. Our reading lists are freakishly in-line with one another.) and losing our identity to become little Rollinses, Caputos, and Barry Taylors. How can we make it ours and not just fall into another less-conservative camp? This is a question I have been asking myself a great deal.
Anyway, just wanted to give you a little virtual high-five and, of course, provide you with ZERO answers. I will keep watching as you share your path.
Best,
Julie
Thank you, Julie! Sorry it’s taken so long to respond – my site doesn’t tell me when people have commented! Glad to see someone else is on this journey with me! Thanks, Gord x