As I mentioned briefly in my previous post, last month I attended a festival in Belfast hosted by author and speaker Peter Rollins, entitled ‘Wake’. I didn’t know much about the event when I signed up, my friend had mentioned it to me saying she wished she could attend and on a whim I decided to sign up. The festival explored radical theology, and was designed to mimic a wake, for us to mourn the death of God.
I didn’t really understand the need for a ‘wake’, if I’m honest until a few days ago. I’ve been deconstructing my faith, leaving behind my old understandings and the faith I grew up with, but I never fully realised that this was something I was mourning. I’m beginning to realise that this is more than just an intellectual exercise, this is more than simply redefining and reimagining the narrative I grew up with. I’ve lost something, and I need to grieve that.
Talking or writing about what I believe is becoming increasingly difficult. So much of the language that I once used to describe my faith has become foreign to me. Concepts that were once the building blocks of my faith are now utterly baffling. It feels like my entire worldview, the lens that I looked through, has shattered and there is no replacement.
Right now I’m in a liminal space. I’ve lost my faith, I no longer feel I can identify myself as a Christian, and I have stopped attending church. But I haven’t found anything to fill the gap my faith once held, I don’t have the words or the categories to explain where I fit right now. I know that where I am right now is not my final destination. I’m stuck at the airport, with no idea which plane I’m getting on, all I know is that it’s going to be somewhere new.
I have a habit of avoiding my problems. When my last relationship ended, I tried to carry on with life as if nothing had happened. I didn’t grieve the loss of relationship and as a result found it very hard to move on. It’s only recently that I realised I still hadn’t moved on from that relationship, I hadn’t dealt with the pain of losing that person. It took a very awkward drink with my ex for me to realise this and finally start to move on. You can’t ignore grief, sooner or later it creeps up on you. Now I realise that I need to let myself grieve the loss of God, the loss of my faith, in order for me to move onto something new.
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